Today I've reached an age where the number's changed its tune. Though I still look the same, this dread, it feels brand new. And sure, I've seen it coming and it's something to be praised; as color fades from filaments I'm taking stock of days. The pictures in my mind of all the things I've seen. If cameras could tell lies, I'd swear they were just dreams. And like those hazy memories; the who that makes me me, I'm vapor in a vacuum and I'll dry with every day I see. Face it, there's nothing I can do to change this, living in the past is dangerous, so maybe I should try to breathe, to be. Fearing, every little change is stealing moments that I wait for. Hear me when I say it's time to change. To change. I find myself consumed by these portraits of the past. Their faces surely knew that the good days couldn't last. And now I wake up fevered with a weight too great to bear: this place in time I'm holding, it's the same just slightly more aware. Endless space to roam with flesh set to expire. A world of sky and stone but soon I'll be too tired. You tell me not to worry, that it's all a part of life. I swear to you I'm trying, please oh how I wish that I'd... Face it, maybe if I had some faith in living for today I'd wake up happy for a chance to be me. Face it, there's nothing I can do to change this, living in the past is dangerous, so maybe I should try to breathe, to be. Fearing, every little change is stealing moments that I wait for. Hear me when I say it's time to change. To change. Holding on to words that my elders left to find. "Don't look back in vain; keep the future in your sights." Acceptance is a virtue that's escaped me all my life, at the risk of slowly dying, take a breath, let's give this one last try. Face it, there's nothing I can do to change this, living in the past is dangerous, so maybe I should try to breathe, to be. Fearing, every little change is stealing moments that I wait for. Hear me when I say it's time to change. To change.

What version of myself, the younger or the older has better lies to sell or confidence in closure? When every day can count, you count them by the hour; am I just counting down? The days of my first kiss, a first for every season, experience is bliss, but a different kind of freedom. In searching for a high and looking toward the future, they're harder still to find. "There's always tomorrow" I say as I fall asleep. "There's always tomorrow", these words are following me. I'm not fucking dead, I'm just not a child, but still the roads ahead are closing by the mile. Will I still have a dream when life is in the mirror? Will someone tell me please? Tomorrow had more weight when yesterday was smaller. The steps I have to take are fewer than before. I wish that I had known that chances die with choices and I would make them count. "There's always tomorrow" I say as I fall asleep. "There's always tomorrow", these words are following me. "There's always tomorrow" I say as I fall asleep. "There's always tomorrow", I'm sure it's guaranteed. Go back ten years to days when I lived without the fear of a wasted life; self-assured that breaths were made in spares. When I wanted more, a million ears at the record store, a life made clear by a latent promise: that time was on my side. But it's not the end, every page isn't written yet. At any age I could fall in love or maybe save the world. I wrote these words, if only I could begin to learn how to act these lines, but with every scene they always slip my mind.

Blue. The sky above, it promises big news. A ceiling hanging triggers over you, someone set their crosshairs on your garden. Burn, a wall of fire awaits us all in turn, lungs are wilting, clawing at the Earth, sons will know their fathers couldn't learn. Why, why should I get up and try, hold a hand against a lie that all of us will be just fine? Can't I close my eyes and ears and hide? I'm sure that things will be alright, after all, I've got my own damn life. So be quiet. Buy. Invest in our American decline and hold out both your wrists for peace of mind, then wonder why you cannot sleep at night. Raise a wall around your home to keep you safe when pillars of humanity decay. It's only you to keep them all at bay. Is there any other way? Why, why should I get up and try, hold a hand against a lie that all of us will be just fine? Can't I close my eyes and ears and hide? I'm sure that things will be alright, after all, I've got my own damn life. So be quiet. Lie to me, I'm already on the edge of my anxiety. Bottles and meds can only dull the pain, it only gets worse when I think of the flames. Baby boom, riding a line between a prize and certain doom. Tell me the point of finding a way out when I am diseased and I can't cure my self. Fight even when I'm asking why. Every move is worth a mile; to quit is to lay down and die. But I only have so much in mind, if none of this can change in time, all of us will pay for this.

Some of us hear silence in reflection. Some of hear voices speaking loud, but lately, oh, my monologue is screaming, the echoes, they remind me of my doubts now. Mind is over matter, this I'm certain; every neuron bursting into flame. The worst events are self-fulfilling endings, welcome to this God-forsaken place. Hope is not the strongest will I'm wielding, fear is always pressing on my throat. Another night of staring at the ceiling, the ache within is willing to explode. I can't let this go. The harder that I'm trying, still it finds me. The fever in my skull, it will not be denied without a fight. Worst of all, I've done this to myself now. Sharpest are the cuts that tell the truth. Peace of mind is waiting on my courage; so run from this and howl at the moon. Someone please rescue me. I can't let this go. The harder that I'm trying, still it finds me. The fever in my skull, it will not be denied without a fight. Without a fight. I can't let this go. The harder that I'm trying, still it finds me. The fever in my skull, it will not be denied without a fight. I can't let this go. The harder that I'm trying, still it finds me. The fever in my skull, it will not be denied without a fight. Without a fight.

Wake and make sense of the time, if I can save an hour then I can save my life. Fake the light behind my eyes where once my spirit burned, but now that fire dies. But he's somewhere in the folds of my awareness. He appears when I'm alone out in the wild Is there a chance to save this child of mind that's slipped away? The dark halls of the night bring me echoes of your silence, it wakes me in the black without you. And the years running in lines tracing graves for your designs, how I wonder if the roses will bloom? See the color of my blood draining through my pores to stain my abandoned form. But he always found his way when hope was dying. Like a tower in the forest of my mind. There's a chance in time this child of mind is still awake.

Daddy said "son, don't cry. Watch how the tough guys let it slide. Tighten your jaw or put up a fight." And now in my age I find, within the foundations of my mind, that something about me just isn't right. Distance from all my friends as I try my hardest to pretend that I won't indict them when they offend. Joy I so seldom see, this fear it has claimed the heart of me and alienation is reality. Look around, everyone is laughing. Shut them down. Don't give them a goddamn thing. Finding out, thicker skin is choking me. Shed a tear and you cannot protect her. Only fear can make them all respect your worth. Listen here, this way is slowly killing me. When life turns to tragedy, glistening eyes stare back at me. Nothing to show and no tears to free. For each time I show myself, "a sensitive guy", they don't mean well. Under my skin, I'm alone in hell. Look around, everyone is laughing. Shut them down. Don't give them a goddamn thing. Finding out, thicker skin is choking me. Shed a tear and you cannot protect her. Only fear can make them all respect your worth. Listen here, this way is slowly drowning me. Wait. I'm not buried yet. Sleep and begin again. And build on a broken man. And give this heart a chance. If only I could be the man that you don't see. You just can't hear him scream for change. Look around, everyone is laughing. Shut them down. Don't give them a goddamn thing. Finding out, thicker skin is choking me. Shed a tear and you cannot protect her. Only fear can make them all respect your worth. Listen here, this way is slowly drowning me.

Ten years of reliance on a lesson from a flame. She promised to accept it but she changed truth into blame. And now gracefully waiting you would hear just a taste; a thought, or a feeling, but my courage fades away. If I had a way with words, I'd hang them all on the walls. Sing like a morning bird. Spill the truth from my jaw. But silence is still a vice; struggling to make a noise. Staring back in your eyes, I have no voice. Gather in the mirror, scream aloud to the sky. Argue 'til I'm violet. Make it hurt. Make it right. But still you have to find me, reassure it's okay if I can't be honest, you will love me anyway. If I had a way with words, I'd hang them all on the walls. Sing like a morning bird. Spill the truth from my jaw. But silence is still a vice; struggling to make a noise. Staring back in your eyes, I have no voice. Keeping the peace doesn't fix anything if I'm holding daggers in my mind. I could believe that we never disagree but I know there's suffering in a lie. Take this uncertainty and bury it in the ground. Live by the words we speak, what we do makes them count. Truth isn't hard to see when it's something we always say. Tell me just what you mean, I promise I'll do the same. If I had a way with words, I'd hang them all on the walls. Sing like a morning bird. Spill the truth from my jaw. Silence is killing me; break the habit with speech. Tell me just what you need; set me free.

What can I sing that I haven't sung a thousand times before? Another day to search for peace down at the drugstore. Four little words: I'll fuck this up. I'll ruin this for sure. Will I succeed or will I scratch the skin until it bleeds into every dream, every memory? I'm hoping time will tell. Where do I begin? How to find all the weaknesses within? I won't lie, panic on my face: something I can't hide. Something I can't hide. Watching you speak; a half-heard sound as worried words compete. But I believe that you're here to help. For that much I can (see.) where the waters meet, mixing violently; if you teach me, I can swim. Where do I begin? How to find all the weaknesses within? I won't lie, panic on my face: something I can't hide. Something I could try to push away but only feed. To fix it is a waste, I believe. Life is not a race, time is what I need. Leave what you think of me. I have eyes to see my reflection's starved for peace. Where do I begin? How to find all the weaknesses within? I won't lie, panic on my face: something I can't hide. Something I could try to push away but only feed. To fix it is a waste, I believe. Life is not a race, time is what I need.

If my winter's fraught with worry, spring rains return eventually. Lilac and hint of cherry; warm winds that lift and carry me. Routines of ruminating. Dark dreams remind of misery. These thoughts are mine for making but I won't repeat my history. I practiced strength and courage in spite of doom I visualized. In this heat my smile can flourish. Three cheers these arms are open wide. Lately it's not so hard to breathe. No voice of doubt is crushing me, and I've got promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep. Starlight and silver shadow. Dark trees and humid reverie. Feels like my mind is moving through long-forgotten fantasies. Too long I'd scraped the bottom, thought I had lost identity. Faced off with something solemn; strong will will slowly set me free. Lately it's not so hard to breathe. No voice of doubt is fighting me, and I've got promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep. Wild fire. Blood rises. Will this virus burn brighter? True freedom in my triumph. In body and mind. And mind. (Mind) (There's no tomorrow in death.) x3

Sunset through the glass of my old home. Dust falls to the floor; layered like the snow. Grandfather he smiles from the frames, just a ghost but yet he speaks: "there's so much more to see." It's hard not to return to somewhere small where all I would become was dreamed up by fool. The lights danced in the dark, my child eyes, oh how it seems that I should cry, but that would only waste my time. Standing in the yard beneath the trees. Glanced up at the blank windows staring back at me. Memories came to life within those walls but now in mine I'll make my own. Come on it's time to go. Eyes are closed. I can hear the laughter. Years of gold stuffed inside a box. Flesh and bone, nothing ever feels the same again. Sleep it off, morning is returning. All that's lost will find a way to bloom. Every dawn illuminating something new, the future too. So let it go. So let it go. So let it go. So let it go. The deep current of time is gaining speed. All paths may be separate but home is where they meet. Change brings me no comfort and no lies but my horizon's open wide. It's life to say goodbye.

I swear I'm done with lying, this dream is nearly fulfilled. Another trial required; a test of will. I read your name this morning, just a kid that I knew. 29 and ended, a hard goodbye from the blue. We haven't talked in ages but man it's freaking me out. Time's up, a life expired; tell me now. If I could only hear you speak, tell me what it's like to finally go. What lesson do you have for me? I can only guess but I think I know. Until I draw my final breath, know that I will hold no doubt excused. I don't know how much time is left, I better make it count. What's to lose? Certain days, the pressure drives my heart to despair. Somehow I find the courage in what was already there. Summer nights, a chorus. Flushing skin in her room. The world awaits exploring so here's the truth: Life's not what I thought it'd be. Maybe that's the point, as if I know. If I could offer clarity, something we all learn when we're on our own. Never wait for what you need. You might be amazed at what you find. Tomorrow isn't guaranteed, but maybe it's a state of mind. A state of mind.